Quite Angry

Sometimes it is very weird ,when you are holding your anger for a  long time and there is nothing you can do about it.

There is an big ocean of anger inside my brain which is trying to burst out my head.

I am not able to even react because the person who is responsible for this anger , is a man of old beliefs and poor mentality in case of materialistic things.

Again i would like to walk out of my world.

I am just fed up badly and wounded myself helplessly.

Why people can not use their conscience and why the hell i need to show them the path of righteousness ?

Thought process is worst during this angry moment. I am not able to think anything about my closer ones. I am always trapped in the situation like this every year. I used to start hating people with no reason because of my voidness.

No matter how good i am , due to this irritative behavior people has started to trouble me with so many questions. And i am unable to share this grief with anybody and it is killing me day by day, slowly slowly.

I am unable to see that smiley face of mine again, sometimes i blame the mirror for it. I just don't care how good or bad i am looking. I have asked the people so many times to let me live alone or ,leave alone.

Eyes are getting red every morning. Less diet with heavy workout made my conscience very confused as effective rate on physique was very low. I was getting down again and again, even with good immune i fell ill. You can say i was burning like hell from inside. And there was running a cyclone inside my head.

'Love' ,used to hate this word since my mother was no more. Someone else's happiness was killing me and i was enjoying the company of upset ones. So many times, i cursed the couples and hope to see them apart. Hating myself and finding the reason behind it, was quite painful.

So many voices in the head caused the trouble to take some bad step like leave the home and live a merciful life or to live with strangers.Yes i have friends who are like brothers from another mother. But i do not why , emotional part of feelings was lost somewhere.

Disgusting life after college , empty pockets, big dreams and confusion about future forced me to join corporate world, fucking BPOs.Training part was little convincing only and the salary part at the end of month kept me busy to do this work. But i had lost my freedom somewhere , people came and left. Illness due to hectic schedule always chased me down and forced me to left the job as i was very bad at requesting something from anybody. Stiff nature to never bow down, in front of any body... quite different from everyone as people were working continuously , hopefully that one day they will be rewarded for their work , blindly following the orders from others , it was like ...someone else is working for your dream.Fuck'em ! Left the job again.

I would have died if i have not met the Gym. Lost my everything for gym. No hope for anyone to enter my world of boredom. Not loveable , bet to everybody that i am not going to get married ever in my life. Closed the doors for emotional feelings,attachements and what not.

Little celebration among four friends kept me alive. A dream to conquer the world of bodybuilding is fading again because of bloody money. No more family and relatives , ...because why should i get married with anybody when i have to die as bachelor.

{ Written in April'19}